Love and Hate
by AerynFi
Summary: Fiona and Michael reflect on the things which make them love and hate each other.
1. Chapter 1

**Love and Hate**

_Summary – Fiona reflects on the Michael she loves and the Michael she hates._

**The**** Michael**** I**** love** inspires me to be a better person. He fights for the victims of con artists, human traffickers and domestic violence. When that Michael asks me for a favour I always want to say yes because I will follow that Michael anywhere. He would give up his life for an innocent person and he seems like a superhero, totally good, totally trustworthy and completely incorruptible.

**The**** Michael**** I**** hate** chooses his job over me and will not compromise his nature. He left me in the middle of the night when his handler ordered him out of Ireland. No note, no explanation. I woke up and he was gone. He makes me cry because he won't just be with me, he wants to be somewhere else and even though he doesn't object to me coming along for the ride, he's a patriot who lives for a larger cause. This Michael lives for his work. The career which saved him from his abusive home life as a teenager will never stop receiving his worship. Covert intelligence challenged him, grew him, matured him and made him into the man he is today. The military valued him, told him the truth about the evil in the world and honed his already formidable skills. Being a spy isn't a job for him, being a spy represents the totality of his identity; all he wants for himself.

**The**** Michael**** I**** love** respects my intelligence and my abilities. He trusts me with his life and the lives of others. He considers my perspective and lets me be "the muscle" He's never looked down on me for being a girl and his mind is put at ease when he knows I have a gun trained on whatever bad guy he's meeting with. He will take a job and provide me with backup just because I ask him to; just because he cares for me. He's polite to my boyfriend just to make me happy and he'll tolerate me baiting him because he wants me around.

**The**** Michael**** I**** hate** backhanded me across the face to preserve his cover I.D. I hate him because he can use his strength and abilities against me and I didn't see it coming. Michael could kill me with his bare hands if he chose. He's two heads taller than me and ten times stronger and I hate him because there is nothing I can do to defend myself against him.

**The**** Michael**** I**** love** forgives me anything and forgives me instantly. He forgave me when I nearly blew an operation because I lost my temper. No accusations, no cruelty, no anger, just the willingness to fix the problem himself, no matter what it cost him. He forgave me when I admitted I kissed another man. There was no anger, no desire for revenge, just love trust and gentleness. He'll forgive me and make me a pot of tea when I can't forgive myself.

**The**** Michael**** I**** hate** makes love to me then the next morning tells me we can't be together. The Michael I hate believes that sex means nothing and he takes months, sometimes years to realise how scarred my heart is by his attitude. The Michael I hate is offended when I protect myself by leaving his flat before he gets back with breakfast. The Michael I hate refuses to talk about our relationship because he wants my tactical support and friendship, but he couldn't be bothered dealing with what's in my heart...or his.

**The**** Michael ****I**** love** brings me gifts like guns, sushi and money for shopping. He takes me out to dinner and can make me shiver with the lightest touch of his hand. He can hold me in his arms and make me forget all about a bullet wound, a dislocated shoulder and a cut forehead because I'm too distracted to remember pain. All I feel is him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Love and Hate Chapter Two**

_Summary: Michael reflects on his feelings for Fiona_

**The Fiona I love** is incredibly beautiful. Men always notice her when we're out in public and when I see them looking I feel smug because she's MINE. There's a sweetness and playfulness about her which makes me want to protect her. My Fi is feminine and soft and she fits in my arms perfectly; she's lovely and vulnerable, smells amazing all the time and makes the cutest noises when I kiss her neck.

**The Fiona I hate** doesn't understand why I need to be back with the CIA. My explanations fall on deaf ears because she thinks I don't love her enough. How can such a smart woman not get it? How can she ask me to stop fighting? How is it possible that the woman I would die for refuses to understand and accept who I am?

**The Fiona I love** challenges me to care for her and for others. Sex didn't mean much until I met her, then she became everything. She touches a part of me I thought I'd starved to death through disciplined willpower. I'm honestly happy and content when I'm in her company. I'm happy just being quiet with her, working on projects together or shooting targets together at the gun range. We're comfortable together, and I think that's worth something.

**The Fiona I hate** is really irritating. She interrupts my life just because she can and befriends my mother just to piss me off. After I moved into the loft Fi gave my mother my phone number. Annoying tiny Irish woman.

**The Fiona I love** refuses to tolerate dishonesty from me. When I start to stray from the path she pulls me back before the darkness engulfs me. I'm better when she's with me because she demands my love and attention (as she should)

**The Fiona I hate** chooses to tell me that she spent the night with her new boyfriend. I know why she told me but I still hate hearing about it. I can't stand the thought of any other man but me being with her. She listened to me when I told her we couldn't be together, but the Fiona I hate doesn't recognise that I let her go because I can't give her what she needs. I was trying to do the right thing. She doesn't see it.

**The Fiona I love **doesn't need violence as foreplay anymore. I finally worked it out. Michael McBride was a violent guy because I thought that's what Fi wanted. Then my real personality started to filter through as we got closer and the violence almost stopped. After she found out that I had lied to her about my identity and used her, violence became a part of our relationship again because she felt betrayed. I did that to her. Some nights as she'd sleep in my arms I'd try to work out why I had cuts on my chest and why her face was bruised. I'd go over the fight in my head and desperately try to work out how to stop this cycle we seemed stuck in. I know now why she would attack me all the time. She hated the fact that she loved a man who betrayed her. The violence has stopped because she trusts me now. She has finally forgiven me.


End file.
